It was literally, quite literally, solid foam head, all the way to the bottom of the glass.  Close to a pint in volume, 100% head, with nary a puddle of liquid beer at the bottom.  I had done it — I had produced a glass of beer purely in the gaseous state of matter.  This might have been the very worst job of pouring a pint of beer ever, in the history of beverages.  I defy any of you to accomplish this with any other carbonated beverage.

I should mention that this is a highly-acclaimed brew, one of those award-winning stars of the beer world that I have no business rating.  And it was a very good beer, 45 minutes later when we finally got some liquid condense out of the fog.  Very fruity, dark and sweet, practically a meal in itself.  Pretty strong too — our variations on the name “Gulden Draak” were heeee-larious by the end.  I highly recommend it, the most delicious, aromatic quick-expanding foam insulation I’ve ever tasted.

The burnt Malt flavor will hit you kinda of like a hockey player. However the Cocoa and vanilla flavor will mellow you out. If you like fancy coffee’s at Starbucks than this beer is for you….wait did Starbucks start a brewery? After a few sips I start to feel very neutral about the un-neutral flavor (is un-neutral even a word?). However after a few more I start getting a good aftertaste….a little vanilla….mmmm vanilla. When I am done though I still feel like the Habs are playing hockey in my mouth. Wait….that sounded a little weird and the second time I a have done a review referencing things in my mouth. Overall a beer that has some good qualities but still needs more on the cocoa and vanilla to really bring it to the upper tier of beers. Hey that rhymes.

3/6

Now I happen to be a little bit of a Newcastle fan (or Newkies as I call them…that’s right you can use that phrase now). It and Bass are probably my favorite English beers. But Newcastle isn’t even close to Bridgeport’s Beertown Brown which is my all time favorite. This my friends is borderline crap! I raised the rating to two simply because one beer IS crap! Like I said this was borderline. There is very little “Nut” in the “Nut Brown Ale” which leaves my mouth nut less……wait…..ahh……forget I said that. Lets just say the taste in my mouth was pretty bad. According to the bottle this was a Gold Medal and “Top-Rated Brown Ale” at the World Beer Championships for 2004 and 2010. Well! They were wrong! Maybe at the World Beer Special Olympics! All the gold tin foil does not a good beer make. England…this is the second time you have shafted me out of $8.00!

After a few sips, my english accent kicked in, and I figured if I was in a pub and drunk off of this I would probably start a fight. This is a man’s beer and after one I felt like I just ate at a all you can eat Bangers and Mash buffet. I don’t know how the English can drink so much because after one I feel full. It has a Malty (probably because it has a lot of Malt!) and slightly toffee like flavor. Not even close to American bitterness although it does have a slight bite (very slight). Overall the flavor is pretty light and after half of it I can’t really taste much. With 5.9% ABV I am feeling like watching some soccer, but then I snap back to reality and remember I am an American who cherishes good tasting beer. This is average at best. Oh jolly ole England, you were the beginning of Pale Ale, IPA etc, oh how ye’ have fallen!

Samuel Smith’s Organic Strawberry Fruit Ale (0/6)
Don’t drink this. Its terrible in a way that only bad fruit ale can be. Rancid sharp strawberry flavor, in otherwise fine ale. Admittedly, I didn’t expect it to be any good, but even I was surprised just how little I was able to drink before I had to pour it out.

Red Hook 8-4-1 Expedition Ale (1/6)
Your mileage may vary on this one, but I just didn’t like it. There was something about it that didn’t jive with my taste buds, and I was generally unhappy with the results. It’s not terrible, rather just the epitome of “That boy ain’t right”.

Full Sail LTD 02 (4/6)
Yay LTD! I just love this stuff. It’s on the maltier end of the Easy Drinkin’ spectrum, but it definitely qualifies as a cooler filler if the occasion arises.

Bridgeport Blue Heron Pale Ale (4/6)
Up to this point, Bridgeport’s Haymaker was holding the crown as one of my favorite Easy Drinkin’ beers. But now that I have had this, I think Bridgeport may have unseated itself. It’ll be perfect for the July 4th BBQ, when you force those family members who drink Budweiser products (…sorry I just threw up a little in my mouth…) to drink quality beer. Easy, non-offensive, tasty.

Great Divide Collette Farmhouse Ale (5/6)
I like Farmhouse Ales, but usually just for tasting. They tend to be a bit strong for a six pack or even a full 22. Collette, however, is an exception. This ale is great. And, although being farmhouse tasty (mmm…farm taste), its mellow enough to be had regularly. Or in large quantities *drunken stumble*

Widmer Sunburn Ale (2/6)
The blogosphere gave this beer a lot of happy thoughts recently, but I just didn’t see why. Widmer has decided to use some new “Citra-hop” variety of hops, which although novel, is super distracting to the taste. Its like beer flavored orange juice. Not a fan.

Dick’s Pale Ale (2/6)
Despite promising to do a huge run of Dick’s posts, I purposefully didn’t mention this one. Not because it’s bad, but just because it practically non-existent. It takes Pale to a new level by being the taste equivalent to translucence (see I know big words!).

Jonathan Edwards “Lost Finale” Lager (4/6)
I round out this blast of posts with a nod to our favorite local homebrewer Jonathan Edwards. Recently, he dropped this German Lager down on my desk, and I can happily say it was yet another notch in his impressive homebrew collection. Its crisp yummy taste helped drown out the sorrows of watching the Lost Finale. And made me buzzed enough to not care about the cheesy cork in the island scene. Prost!

And the result?  After all the build-up, the flavor is just as odd as you’d expect — and oddly, it’s the least flavorful beer I’ve ever had.  Of course any normal beer probably tastes oddly flavorless to me, after trying Budweiser’s Clamato — but even after correcting for my forever-damaged taste buds, this is a very subtle beer.  It’s almost refreshing, practically alcoholic mineral water, and would be a good beer to drink after a marathon, if for some reason you had to drink a beer instead of a sports drink.  (Try it!)  But after the subtle dignified label and the promise of exotic sorgham, I was ready for a complex spectrum of unusual and challenging flavors to process, for tastes and top notes and bouquets and aftertastes, but instead I had to consciously check midway through to see if it still tasted like beer at all.  In other words, this is a Radiohead album cover containing a compilation CD of soap opera background music.

You’d think I’d learn after trying an import from Poland (“cool!”) that turned out to be their Malt Liquor (“dag nabbit!”) that trying odd Eastern European imports with labels in foreign languages is a wild gamble.  But if you’ve been reading my posts so far, you now know that I never learn.  Those brain cells died in a puddle of Schlitz long ago.  This time, it’s from Mother Russia — Baltika Number 6, which is something called a “Baltic Porter”.  In keeping with my policy of never learning, I have also not done my homework to figure out exactly what that is, but I drink on, nonetheless.

Baltika Numero Six is not bad, just off a bit.  Not skunky, despite the intercontinental trip to Socal.  None of the flavors are bad, though there are a LOT of them.  Not too astringent, though I was expecting the first sip to dissolve my front teeth, as so often happens with extra-strong imports.  But it’s just… different — an odd mismash of flavors that don’t quite all work together.  Something’s just not quite right — maybe something’s lost in the translation, maybe this is what Baltic Porters are supposed to be, but I’m not buyin’ it.  Why not?  Check out their website – you can look up the Baltika’s official homepage for all their beers (they run from 1 through 9).  For Number 6, you’ll see a strange juxtaposition of hip, modern Russian youngster spinnin’ trax on the DJ set on the left, next to this description of Baltika No. 6 on the right:

“Baltika’s porter is one of the most eminent varieties of Russian beer with a long heritage.  Energy value: 60 kilocalories per 100 g of beer.  Nutritional value: not more than 6.0 g of carbohydrates per 100 g of beer.”

Wow — that has to be the most arid, scientific beer slogan I’ve ever seen.  Keep in mind, this is on their official website, where you’re supposed to sing the praises of your product, not post half of an AP Chemistry word problem.  And it about sums it up for Baltika No. 6 — like the emergence of Russian glam rock bands after glastnost, Baltika No. 6 is just a little too alien for my taste.

And the beer?  Well, I like my Smithwick’s as much as anyone else, but the beer in the kegs in the above photo is the actual best beer in Ireland:  Guinness.   Slainte!

Naturally, I had to pick up a bottle — just weird enough for me to drink. After popping off the cap, a dense wad of beer foam oozed up to say hello, at roughly the pace and shape of one of those black snake firecrackers that never fail to disappoint on the 4th of July. “That’s odd”, I thought, making a mental note not to make a “happy to see me?” joke about it in my beer review, since that would be unoriginal and lame.  Nearly as unoriginal and lame as naming an Indian beer “maharaja”…

At first, it seemed strikingly sour, but it turned out this was because I had just consumed the World’s Sweetest Drink In The World (in case you’re interested, the “creamsicle”: amaretto, triple sec, OJ, sour mix, tonic, and some dental fillings, because you’re going to need them), without adequately rebooting my palate. After a sip or two, it turned out to be surprisingly good. I was almost shocked — I saw a beer imported from India, picked it up expecting (even looking forward to) some serious skunkiness, but it tasted as fresh as an MGD. Compared to some of the skunky disappointments I’ve gotten from other parts of the world (like half the stuff from Ireland), this was a definite pleasant surprise. I guess there must be a lot more demand for Indian beers than Irish beers in my neighborhood.  Which I can live with.  Because this Irish dude is multiculturally sensitive, hyper-aware of the un-PC leanings of beer labels, but most importantly, much happier to live in a neighborhood with Indian food (“mmm, buttery garlic nan”) than Irish food (“huh — did they have to boil everything, even the check?”).

In an effort to brew something that satisfied both the night before and the morning after, they instead created what is officially the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.