But college is over. I’m old. My liver is particular, and I only drink those beers to reminisce what alcohol tasted like when I could eat 10 taco bell tacos in one sitting.

Now, however, I can get my reminiscing done with a $4 bottle of local craft brew. Cause by golly if this didn’t taste EXACTLY like cheap Mexican beer. The first words out of my wife’s mouth were “where’s my lime?”. Admittedly, I’ve never had a Kolsch in Germany. But unless the 20 or so other versions of the style I’ve had were doing it wrong, someone from south of the border snuck in wearing Lederhosen and swapped out the recipes. Surly bartender and citrus fruit not included. ¡No me gusta!

Wondering if I was just crazy, I handed the bottle over to the wife. Her initial reaction was “ew, it smells like vomit”. Then after taking a sip, “OMG it tastes like vomit”, followed by a few muscle wrenching convulsions. Sorry sweety. It was so overpowering, it took sucking on a few super salty smokehouse almonds before I was able to taste anything else at all.

Perhaps the bottle was bad. Or maybe fermenting peach juice in a beer is just a very, very wrong thing to do. Either way, my sink may never forgive me.

When Lompoc comes a calling, stick to the LSD.

But let’s begin. Let me introduce today’s entry. This is Hell or High Watermelon from 21st Amendment Brewery. It comes in a can. It’s brewed with watermelon juice. And it tastes awful.

There is no bitterness to the flavor at all, but I actually think that is a bad thing here. If it had any other characteristics, even cheek smash, I would have had something more clever to say than “it tastes awful”. But I don’t. The best way to describe the experience of drinking this, is to give you a play by play:

1. Pour. Its kind of foamy, but not obnoxious. Typical light beer type pour.
2. Smell. Not bad. Vaguely watermelon-y. Even though I knew this was going to be a tough swallow, I had an actual glimmer of hope at this point.
3. Taste
   1. Light. Not much to it. Hardly more substantial than water.
   2. Ok there is a hint of the watermelon, but…
   3. What is that … fish? ugh…watermelon ala’ fish scales.
   4. (At this point my face kind of scrunched up, and I drank some Tabasco to get the flavor out of my mouth)
4. Pour in the sink. Sorry about that sink.

It’s not the worst beer I’ve ever had. I didn’t cringe, spit it out or want to vomit. But it is really bad. It’s just sort of the definition of what “this tastes bad”, is supposed to taste like.

Believe it or not, I really don’t like giving bad reviews. I love craft brewers, and encourage them to experiment with awesome beers to make us dance and cheer. But since this is clear violation of Frosty Edict #4 – “Enough With The Watermelon”, the voice of the people needed to be heard. So thanks Billy. Thanks for dropping off something on my desk that was as terrible as expected, packaged in BPA lined cans, and nearly ruined my egg sandwich.

As for Mocne, I can’t decide if I’ve been duped or not.  They’ve gone ahead and put “Malt Liquor” on the label — does this indicate a foriegn-brewery lack of knowledge about the stigma associated with Malt Licka’s here in the U.S.?  Or have I purchased Poland’s equivalent of King Cobra, thinking it was a fancy import, despite them giving me fair warning on the label?  The fact is, it’s not nearly as bad as domestic Malt Liquors, but it’s not nearly as good as the specialty quintuple-boch-uber-malty brews that must technically be called Malt Liquors because of their alcoholic content, but nevertheless are quite tasty.  The flavor has a faint whiff of whatever domestic malt liquor reeks of.  The head had that same super-fine-grained soapy bubbliness that you see in cheap 40′s, industrial solvents, ocean foam in Newark, but never in a decent beer.  I have to conclude, therefore, that this beer is to King Cobra what Harp’s Lager is to Budweiser — an imported, better-quality yet essentially in the same family of beverage.  Since being the Best of the Malt Liquors is a distinction akin to being the professional bowler with the fastest 40-yard-dash time, I’m not sure what the point really is for this beer.  If you were somehow constrained to the world of malt liquors forevermore, this is your best beer choice, but if you’re in this situation then you really have more pressing problems to deal with…

There you go. I just gave you the recipe for Laughing Buddha Mango Weizen. Wanna talk sweet? Holy cow. This beer is funny in that it didn’t actually taste bad per se. It was just that it was so overpoweringly sweet and… semi-fruity that I just couldn’t drink. The fruit itself itsn’t even real fruit. It is to fruity flavor as grape Bubble Yum is to real grapes.

So in short. Blech. If you are looking for somehting fun to try that won’t make to cringe or vomit, go for it. But if you want a beer you can actually drink, walk on by.

And for the obligatory Buddha reference, here is a zen koan for you. ‘If it goes from the bottle to the sink, is it really a beer at all?” Meditate.

Because Lost Coast’s Downtown Brown is so good, I will chalk this one up to the brewers having too many evenings over in “herbal” Aracata. Now that i think about it, I guess that explains the wrappers.

At least I didn’t have to pay for it. Except in watching the Charger game with the buddy who brought it over. But I’m not bitter, really. Jubelale on the other hand …

After taste-testing six malt liquors in the past year, I thought I was able to handle the typical malt liquor.  St. Ides didn’t at first appear to be anything special.  But this is a malt brew full of surprises.  And, needless to say, surprise is NOT what you want when it comes to beer this bad.  At every turn, in all respects, I shamefully underestimated this dreck, and it made me pay for my miscalculation.  Here’s the rundown:

*** Characteristic:   Flavor

My expectation:    “Probably terrible, but I’ve done terrible before… bring it on!”

Reality:    “Oh my dear lord!  We’ve hit an iceberg!   We’re going down!  Oh, the humanity!”

***  Characteristic:   Intoxification-ness

My expectation:    “I might be giggling a bit too much by the end, but I’ll be back to normal by bedtime”

Reality:   “Ehhhh?  … I’m only down about halfway, and I can’t see straight…  my toes are numb…  I can see through metal, I swear…”

*** Characteristic:    Hangover

My expectation:    “Eh, a little water before bed, and I’m fine.”

Reality:    “Could someone turn down the throbbing in my arteries?  I think I can hear my eyeballs moving in their sockets…”

Maybe for some reason I was caught off guard (did I give blood earlier?  do I have a tapeworm?), but this 40 knocked me on my behind.  It was just like high school all over again.  Late that night I happened to catch a few minutes of the kid’s show “Oobi”, where all the characters consist of human hands with googly-eyes glued to the knuckles.  That show is surreal sober, so you can imagine my discombobulation.  So while I don’t have much remembrance of the flavor, quality, or other characteristics I usually use to judge the beer, I will give this one a rating of 2 beers as a reward for reminding me not to be complacent.  I gotta start training better…  where was that Rocky 8-track tape?

Juan de la Cueva may have been a loon. For some reason in 1575 he wrote about some dish that combined Jalapenos and ale. Crazy? Maybe. But the real fools in this instance are the guys at Rogue Brewery who decided that this obscure story would make for a great beer.

Have you ever tasted a shoe? No? Well, I’m not sure I ever have either, but immediately after taking a sip of this beer I was convinced it tasted like one. Then the shoe flavor left, and the real horror crept in. Repeat after me: Peppers do not belong in beer.

The aftertaste was so wrong, completely awful on so many levels, that I was convinced I couldn’t really have tasted that. I tried again. I had Grandpa Goodbeer try it. All to no avail. This beer is gross. As soon as the otherwise odd flavor goes away, Rogue Chipotle Ale attacks you with the nuclear bomb of all Aftertaste Attacks. Dry, tangy, salty, throat scratchy, gross old jalapeno flavor. Its actually much worse than it sounds, if you can believe that.

On the other hand…

I did have to give it a 2. It worked pretty awesome as a marinade for Tilapia.

I applaud Rogue for trying new things, I really do. But much like that random hallucinogen I tried in college, not all experiments are a good idea.